Seeking Dry Land
I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
Not so much the blog, although clearly from the increasing lengths of time between each post, that is obviously in jeopardy as well, but I mean school. I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.
About two months ago I was promoted to the manager of my department in a field that is fairly new to me. It is a wonderful opportunity and shows the faith that my supervisors have in my work and value. Consistently, the word I use to describe these first few weeks is … “overwhelming”. When I am being very honest, I admit that although I never learned how to swim, I imagine this would be what it feels like to be tossed in an ocean and begin to drown.
I’ve never had a job where it seems like the work is endlessly bad. There is no happy moment, there is no silver lining. Instead it feels like one insurmountable problem after the next, after the next. Since taking this job I have lost whatever small interest I had in having fun, I’ve doubled my alcohol intake and I start each day counting down the minutes, praying for the moment when I can say, okay that’s it for the day. Sometimes that’s after 7 non-stop hours, sometimes 8, sometimes 10. Whenever it ends and I call it quits, I immediately start thinking, I can’t believe I have to wake up tomorrow and do this all over again. I may not be a therapist, but I don’t think that’s a healthy way to live.
So, I’m worried about taking on my next class this spring. I wonder if I should take a break because maybe this wonder woman stuff is as mythical as the character. I wonder if I can handle it without having a bit of a melt down. The only reason I made it last semester through my Philosophy class with an A, is because frankly it was pretty easy. By the time I truly got my hands into this job, the class was just about wrapped up. I had already done enough good work to secure an excellent grade for the semester.
I have 72 credits and I need 120 to graduate. I don’t do the math often, because it depresses me how much further I have to go. I know if I skip this semester there’s a very real chance, I may skip another and another and not finish this journey. As has been the case so many times in my past. But there’s a very real chance if I try to tack on a class to the other parts of my life… this hellacious job, a college bound high school senior, a father receiving mediocre care in a nursing home, an abysmal love life, and a live in mother with rapidly fading memory…I may not make it. Some part of me, just may not make it.
I feel like there must be a lifesaver out there somewhere on the horizon. That I just need to keep my head above water long enough to see it, to reach for it, to hold onto it and let it help me to dry land.