Sometimes I’m Proud
More often than not, if I were to say how I feel on any given day, it would be Sometimes I’m Overwhelmed or Sometimes I’m Filled with Self Doubt or Sometimes I Think I’m Super Fat.
Fortunately for me, the key word is “sometimes” — I don’t feel that way all the time or even often. But every once in a while those nagging feelings of what I think I can’t do come to the surface and take hold like hungry ticks on a fat lap-dogs’ belly.
A few weeks ago I hoped that someone or something would throw me a lifesaver because I couldn’t breathe. I am happy to say I found it bobbing up and down in the waters of my mind and I made it to dry land. I do believe that writing this blog provides me with much-needed therapy. I started this journey, not because I wanted to become a famous blogger, but because I felt it would motivate me and keep me from quitting. That’s what it does. Every post I write and every reply from one of my dear friends; every email I receive that someone new is “following me”, or “liked” my post is like a virtual hug that I feel here in my little “dorm room/office“. I crave those hugs, I need them. Sometimes I think I’m In over My Head but I know there are people reading this who believe without a doubt that I’m not; that “I got this”.
The good news is that I signed up for class again this semester! This is a 100% on-line class which fits in perfectly with my hectic life. I’ve also taken a mental “chill pill'” when it comes to my new job in the new year. I had to because I was quite literally making myself sick with worry. I am learning to say no to some things and how to say, I’m the boss and this is the way I want it to be done. Words I would never have thought I could say, never mind would feel the confidence to believe in after I say them. But I do. It’s empowering and it helps me get through the day and start to feel these small glimmers of, dare I say, — success (okay let’s just say, ‘not failures’).
Although its 22 degrees outside and a winter storm is blanketing my home like a scene from a snowpocalypse movie; technically its Spring in the world of academia. So today its Spring for me too! This semester begins with a renewed sense of hope and a deep sense of gratitude for all of you who, whether you knew it or not, tossed me the life lines I needed. I have to admit, I didn’t think I would be writing this message this way. I thought it would be an explanation of why I had to take a short break, and filled with promises that I would return and not let myself down. But that’s not today’s message. Today I’m still here, I’m still on this journey, and as I look back on the last few weeks, I have to say Sometimes I’m Proud Of Me.